Monday, December 12, 2011

Traffic!

I was stuck in traffic on the Hudson River Drive... It was bumper to bumper. I had to go to the bathroom! The car in front of my had a bunch of these foreigners, I think they were Chinese or something, they all had them different eyes. No offense to ya Chinks. I love everyone, especially ya egg rolls. Ya know!! I love "Lucky Numbers" Chinese take out on 6th street, They have the best Egg Foo Young, the only place that makes it where it don't look and smell like horse shit, just delish.., though their Poo Poo Platter is just THAT..

Where was I .......OH yeah I had to take a crap.

I was waiting for this damn traffic to move... It wouldn't budge. AN HOUR!! Waiting... I just couldn't take it anymore... I got out to the side of my Pinto and had to relieve myself. Wouldn't ya know I had to be constipated!
So here I am in the middle of a traffic jam, with my ass hanging out for all to see and them China people.. and a small stuck piece of shit stuck to my ASS.
So now NOT only isn't the TRAFFIC moving......neither is my bowels!
I was mortified!!
WELL!
One of them China gals....love that song btw..... came out of her damn car and walked over to me... saying something in that foreigner mouth, "Aaaaaa U Or K"
I said ... "Yes fine, get the hell away from ME!"
She had the nerve!! the audacity to walk behind me to where my Children of the Corn was struggling.. and say.. "OOOHHH OOHHHHH!! Ya Shitt'n!! OOOOH OOOOH""
I said "GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME CONNIE CHUNGS"
She wouldn't leave,, next thing ya know the rest of them Chinky Chungs came out of the car.. with cameras taking pictures.. one screamed out "GOWING ON U BOOB"
I ran to the back seat of my car.. an grabbed the crowbars I just happen to have on the floor... and swung it at them... I mean I swung that thing so hard.. MY shit came flying out my ass! SO disgusting!
My poop went flying!! Right into one of them SOB'S MOUTHS!!
They RAN back to their car...
and the traffic finally started to flow..

I stopped to get a big pickle before going home. Juicy!!

Monday, November 28, 2011

Some more Memorabilia..or Memosmearia

My birth name is Patricia Maria Salvatore I was born in Hoboken, NJ and year is nobodies business.
My stage name is Patricia Smear, and I became an actress in the 40's, soon after I met my husband Ernie Schemear. I met him while working at the box office to Ernie's Freaks

Go Gay Hairspray!

Maybe ya don’t remember my very own hairspray line back in the 50’s during my short retirement from the biz, this was around 1955.
I just completed my never seen hit picture “The Singing Swans of the Baskervilles”  in 1954 with director Lenny Schmidt, perhaps ya remember his claim to fame picture.. ”The Swedes go to France”.  Well it won some award in Israel… anyway,. I took sometime off to have a kid, which would be my daughter Sharon.
I was about six months pregnant when Elizabeth Whinefuter came to me with this idea to attach my name to this new hairspray product that was produced in China. I was given the task of coming up with it’s name, and that was it. I was going to receive 40 percent of the profits.
She wanted to just get my name on that can of spray.  She had high hopes for this to be a big success for both of us with this thing.  I came in did some photo shots for the ads and within the next month the campaign began.
Well!! I can not express how mortified I was to find out that this damn hairspray was a roach killer in China! They had so much overstock, because it didn’t make a dime there, this bitch Elizabeth imported all the left over stock of who knows how many cases of the crap to some warehouse in duck pluck Arkansas!
She then had them relabel them with the name “Go Gay by Patricia Smear’! Not even a week after this ad ya see here was published In “Better Apartments, and Fire Escapes”, I get a call from my agent Harvey Bangerwall of the mass hysteria of bad publicity that was about to hit my name.  Luckily the magazine that published this ad didn’t have that many readers and matter of facts was going out of business, this was their last issue.  There was only five cases of women who died from using this stuff on their heads.. And they all were slow, if ya know what I mean, slow.
 I was so lucky kids, not one news outlet reported this mess, except some Chinese newspaper, but who the hell could understand them words.. squiggly lines… I the sure hell can’t!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Holiday's here already and I can't TAKE IT!

Thanksgiving is this week already and I am not ready!!! Well almost, but not quite!
My husbands side of the family are always the biggest pains in the Gawd damn ass, every year when they step their slimy feet into my beautiful home. I have to make sure I have a case of Lysol to keep by the door ready. I have one individual can ready.. for each one of these asshats that wonder in, and that stuff ain't cheap! I assign each of my grandkids a relative to follow and spray. When I tell you how damn disgusting these people are ya wouldn't believe! It looks like the Texas Chainsaw family meets the Kardashians.
Lets see, there is Ronnie Shingle and his new underage bride, Fran...the man! Gawd for a gal that's old enough to be his grandkid she looks about 90, but she's only 18 yrs old.., Ronnie is 89....OH Gawd he better not choke in this house!
Marsha Beaningtit, she comes alone, Frank Stein and  his slew of three mile island victims, Jenny and Gregg Schemear, Lolla and Viola Fishpaws..Lesbians!.. my husbands absolutely certifiably insane sister Bertha Finks, Oh I truly do hate her!, and her disgusting children and their children. I have to tell you about the time she went into Bloomingdales and bought a frying pan and made a big scene at the cash register that the pan should be only $2.98, as if Bloomies has anything that cheap, she started clobbering the poor gal over the head, it was in the newspaper... remind me sometime to tell ya,. Anyway... 


The holidays aren't the way the used to be, you know? Just not the same, and it all has to do with these Gawd damn rodents they call kids, all these kids do is whine, cry, play pranks, steal ya stuff, break and touch ya expensive NICE things. I just can't take it anymore, but whatcha gonna do, such is life. Ya have to deal with with Gawd hands ya, even it's a bag of shits.
Some folks are luckier than others.. and I am a bitter BITCH,  let me stop and get back to my dinner menu for this years gathering of fools. 


This year I just don't want to go the regular route with cooking, usually I make the traditional roasted butterball and candied yams, corns on the cobs, mashed potatoes, cheese dips, cheese bricks sliced nice with crackers, and assortment of deserts.
I'm tired! None of these SOB's help and lift one damn finger to help me.. NO they just sit there watching the TV.. laughing and talking, while I am half dead from waking up at 3 in the am to start a feast for these unappreciative fat SLOBS.


"Oh the parade is on!! yay" I hear them all get so excited , they all circle around and watch a balloon float of Dora the Explorers and Florence Henderson sing some Gawd awful Broadway tune, that she's not even IN, while I'm basting some damn TURKEY! Then some wise ass would of course walk into the kitchen and ask me .."When's dinner going to be ready?".

I just ain't doing it this year, for what? So all these free loaders, who by the ways, never even bring anything to show as a tokens of appreciation! Can dirty up my house, break things and leave nice a full... forget it!
Oh OHH I will not forget Henry Pinkus who had the nerve to come here with an Entenmann's danish cake, to leave with it, because no one touched it, that fat pig bastard!


So!! I went to the A & P and got a bunch of them Swanson frozen turkey dinners, some Gino's Pizza Rolls, Kraft American individually wrapped in plastic, white and the yellow... a box of Pitz crackers, which is a store brand for the Ritz,  a can of Chef Boyardees,  Jamaican beef patties, and a nice Sara Lee for desert. 
Now I started thinking to myselfs here, well maybe this is kind of terrible of me, to downsize the quality of Thanksgiving  dinner this year, so i decided..what the hell, I'll deep fry them Swanson dinners in the backyard.
I just hope Gawd forbid I don't have another fire back there like I did over the summer, that poor son of a bitch cat.. I don't wanna talk about it..


My son Dick is going to be doing his yearly family show for everyone. He's a great impersonator! Last year he did an hour long impersonation of Harvey Fierstein singing tunes from Funny Girl. Oh and the year he did Liza! He looked just like her! This year he said he was doing something new, Lady Goo Guy? whomever's that is, cause he said it's not Gaga to whom I thought he meant... though!!. I thought to myself. he better be joking,  cause if he's going to be doing this character without any clothes on as he was showing me, I will not have that!!  He wanted to borrow my turkey baster, for Gawd knows WHAT!.  The people in this house are SICK!
My son is practicing right now as I write this blog thing, he's working so hard, and I think trying to BREAK MY GAWD DAMN CEILING!! Oh my Gawd! what the hell is he doing up there!!
I must calm down here.... and get back to figuring out where Jane Sultz is going to sit, or fit, she's only about 500lbs..


I will leave you for now with this picture I stumbled on.
 This old Thanksgiving day photo of me, my daughter and my son, my husband's best friend Jack and my husband tied up off to the side...... back in the happy days..
 And as a bonus here is a still from my 1959 horror picture "Bride of TurkeyStein", It was a wonderful family picture and the kind of film they just don't make anymore. Sadly this as will all my films is lost out in a land full  somewhere, what a damn shame, a damn damn shame!




I wish you all a very nice and peaceful Thanksgiving, and hope ya have as much joy as ME!

Friday, September 16, 2011

Slight name change, the return to Facebook and some other madness in Schemear world

What a pain in the freak'n behind these last couple of weeks have been. First of all my daughter showed up late for dinner on Labor day, because she was in freak'n Gawd Damn LABOR! I just don't know what to do with this chick-o-roo tramp of a child of mine. This woman is past her 40's and still is a pop'n mamma! She has had so many of them kids I can't count anymore, as it is I have about 25 of 'em stay'n in the attic, two of 'em got into one of the holes in the wall and I have not one clue to where they are in this house.. though I do smell something bad lately, like something died! in here!, well that could be my husband.  My sons friend Bernie Pappas from "Gyro We Roll" on Manhole St, he's a Greek.. came over drunk out of his MIND! Said hi and ran up into my son Dick's room. He did not leave until 9am the next day. I don't  know what the hell he was doing with my 37 year old son of mine, in all Gawd damn hours of the night, but I could smell his underarm pits all over this damn house, or that could still be that smell, I was talk'n bout earlier.... nah that could be my husband. I saw my son the next morning and he kept saying his behind hurt.. poor kid I think he's got the hemorrhoids, got to remind myself to pick up some of them ass pads at the store. My son doesn't got a dime, I'll have his hairy gyro friend pay for it...disgusting SOB, I should pick him up some damn roll on, too.
Better news:
Well them kids at the Facebook finally released me from cyber prison, but now are telling me I have to convert my personal page into some business type page, like one of 'em "click here and like" pages, what the hell? They sent me an email stating: "Your account was temporarily suspended because it does not represent an individual person. It is a violation of the Facebook Terms to use a profile to represent a brand, business, organization or idea." What the hell are they talk'n about here? I am an individual person! What they think am some kind of machine? a Siamese twin?  A brand? a business? organization? or an IDEA?! What! WHAT!
I am a person for Gawd sake! not a religion, I don't sell my own "brand" of anything! I sure the hell wish I DID!  an idea? what WHAT!  what the hell are they talk'n? I've never been so insulted! I wrote them back, mind ya a very nice note to tell them that I AM A F'ing PERSON!  I was digitally raped honey pies.
So I am hoping they will stop this nonsense with me having to convert my account. Crossing legs and fingers!

Now on my name change, well first of all. I am so tired of being confused with that hippie rocker guy from that rock'n' roll band The Foo Foo platters and I think the other one was called the Kerns, I wonder it he's related to Harry Kern, used to date him in High School, small schlong,  anyway I said let me just use my original name, as Smear was my stage name and shorten from it's correct spelling, Schemear. OY what I have to F'ing do around here kids, to be able to entertain ya!! So this new name Patricia Schemer will be in affect immediately. In some places I will add in my middle name Maria, initials P.M.S.
I just want to live in peace around here, without the bull shite!

Any way I am also now on Google + if ya on that ghost town of a place please add me to your circle.

I end this update with a sexy picture of my lovelyness from 1959 for the motion picture "Blond on Sofa" About a blond of a sofa, an art film that ran 90mins, got boils from this picture and couldn't sit again for three weeks. Andy Warhol must've seen it, though no one else had!
Kisses,
Pat

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Day after the Facebook Nazis invaded!

I woke up this morn'n to the sound of birds sing'n, the smell of a fresh beautiful day to come. hmm well the smell could be that new Glade thing I put in the bathroom. The first thing I did was check my Facebook account, in hopes it would be back on line. I'm sad to informs that isn't the case. My account is still disabled by them Nazi snot nose kids at Facebook. What the hell is wrong with these kids today, pick'n on this old lady...who by the ways! IS a damn legend..a star! tainted, so what if all the people who remembered my hit pictures, such as "The Lady with a St. Bernard", "The Bronx Cheer" or the classic "Lizzie Borden is an Ice Cream maker, not an axe Murderer"... are dead. All I was try'n to do Is show a new generation as well as older ones some of my collections and body of works with spread'n or should i say Smear'n love all over the place. Now that this damn Facebook yanked me off the net, how the hell am I going to invite folks to see me in my comeback roll ..whenever that may not happen. I am disgusted and hurt by them sob's let me tell ya!, but who complained about me? What the hell did i say or post to get some socially path enraged so, that they barked at them kids over at Facebook? If I bothered ya sweets why ruin it for everyone who was not? Just block and move on. Even my son is upset as all damn day he's been in his room play'n Captain. & Tennille records and given me a gwad damn headache!.. don't know who they are? then GOOGLE! for gawd sakes!
Last comment I made was about that Dutch Boy paint woman with that head...Nancy Grace and how I hope she falls on her fat azz on Dancing with them Stars? show. Did a crazed fan of hers do it? or maybe the comment about Chaz Bono.. saying In my humble opinion that I think he's gay as in fruit and is in the closet?
He's one of 'em what they call bears? and what the hell is that? I didn't mean any harm.. and if ya got what I am about ya know that one. Besides these comments were posted on a friends page that contains similar comments from others, but maybe that wasn't it. I am waiting for these kids to respond with the reasoning to why they shut me down and will let ya know. In the meantime ya can still catch me on the Twitter and on a fan page on Facebook, my Bingo Mingle blog and right here, but i miss the interaction of my Facebook page... I like to thank all my sweeties that are spread'n the news and love.... Right now I have to get some Maalox for I have some terrible gas. Oh Gawd whatever ya do, when ya get to be my age or actually any age, never eat one of them Jamaican Beef Patties... OH OH just think'n of the smell from them things...gonna hurl.
I will talk to ya all later..
With Love Always,
Patricia
XoXo

Facebook removed the Smear!



Well I was wondering when I was going to be next on the hit list. Seems someone complained to Facebook about my account and had them disable my account. It’s a very sad day in the Smear home right now thanks to some jerk off SOB!. I hope whoever sees this will please help this old gal out in helping to get the message out to them FaceBook SOB’s to re-activate my poor account.  
Thank you dolls!..Miss ya all already.
XoXo
Pat
Come to Facebook and hit the “like this” for me dears.. I hope my actual account is reactivated soon. 

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Spread this to the world and let 'em know.....

This desperate bitch wants some gawd damn followers!! WHY ya ask? FU to why!! I just want a damn audience.. and also throw out there my other blog “Bingo Mingle” which seems to have not damn LIFE! I am a damn actress/singer/former GoGo dancer (damn hips can’t do that anymore)/housewife/cook (Who said COCK?!)/Skin Flute professional/love maker?/coffee maker! Where the hell is my fan club? Wait I remember, the president died in 1976 and since then all 5 of em’ dropped like flies. I got alot of life left to her, let me tell ya.. “Got a lot of living to doooo LA LA LA” what a nice song that was.. damn “West Side Story”. I read for the Rita Moreno part, didn’t get it of course.. and ya know WHY! Cause some F**k had to see my little unknown picture “Lady and the Donkey”. Said they didn’t think it would be a good idea to have someone of my stature in their picture, said I wasn’t Mexican or Spanish enough. ..meh.. I said “why don’t ya all go F**K off!” and that SOB had the nerve to ask for my autograph! ON HIS AZZ! It’s ok cause I got a better roll in “Gidget and the Midget”.. I was the lead in that there picture, though sadly that picture rotted to dust in the can.
Yes I posted this same shit post on both blogs! But not the beautiful photo below, that's exclusive to here, so there!
Xoxo,
Patricia!
Ya think them SOB's would've printed my DAMN NAME on the cover!!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Patricia Schemear's Bingo Mingle

I love doing this so much a started up another one, can ya believe..I know I can't! As i sit here drink'n my Chock Full 'o' NUTS and glazed cruller.. that I had my son get from the store, and told him PLAIN! not the glazed crap or that French round one! he brings me a GLAZED!..OH forget it. I said since this Blog thing is take'n off like hotcakes I will start another with just posts of You Tube videos and some pictures I find interesting across the net thing here...cause I have noth'n better. This page is called  "Bingo Mingle" , now ain't that cute?  So tell all your friends, I'm sure they will be thrilled. Oh gawd this coffee taste like washed dog..I think i need a new coffee machine or something. Make sure ya follow that page too... and this one.. Gawd damn it all to hell share both of these fabulous pages. Have a nice Sunday,
Kisses,
Pat
XoXo's

Limburger!

I love cheese!

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Long time since I updated this sucker!

I don't know what the hell I am doing with this Blog! I need to make some more time in the development of this thing. I started this thinking I would share some of my life's experiences with you out there..but I ain't sure there is anyone reading this shit! I got a bit lazy and would like to know I am being heard out there.. for cry'n out louds! Is anyone there! Hello!! how ya work this thing? While I try and figure out what to do with this crap.. I guess I'll post some YouTube videos of stuff I find interesting, and maybe a few posts of any random thoughts that may come to mind here. I noticed I had this Blog page thing listed as "Adult Content", which I found out I didn't need to bother, as that is only if I was to show my tit's and stuff like that...which I know to some of ya people out there will be very disappointed to learn that ain't gonna happen...so take a cold shower. I removed that "Adult Content" flag, so now any schmo can view it, though this ain't a family friendly page, so you people who sit there worried about what their brats see on the net can add this page to one of 'em "surf Nanny" programs..or whatever, just don't come complaining to me that ya bratty kid saw the word "fuck" on my blog!
I love all of my fans (one and counting) that have sent my nice e-mails about how wonderful I am and hope you help Smear some Smears to the world.

XoXo's
Patricia

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Random Smear

I've been watching that crazy court broadcast on that nut case gal Casey Anthony on that HLN channel. The same channel that has Nancy Grace comedy hour, Issues with Jane (lesbian) Velez and Joy Behers. What the hell kind of crazy person is this gal? Gawd she's nuts! You have to watch it, this girl has mental issues. She is on trial for the death penalty for killing her 2 yr old baby girl in 2008. What makes this a twisted story is that the girl supposedly killed her child and then just went out parting in clubs like nothing happened. She would go shopping at Target almost daily and wind up getting a tattoo. She nearly cleaned out a friends bank account during her shopping craze at this time by using stolen checks. For 31 days she lied to her parents on the whereabouts of their grand daughter stating that she was with the nanny named "Zanny". This girl would lie about everything to everyone around her, like telling everyone that she was employed at Universal Studios as an event plainer and make up friends that never excited or friends she hasn't known for years as being close in the present. I mean it's the most bizarre thing I've ever seen. If you type in her name on YouTube you will find all these videos, like the surveillance camera clips of her shopping, photos of her parting at the club in a "Hot Body" contest and most interesting her jailhouse video conversations with her parents also telephone conversations. It all plays out like a John Waters movie, I swear! Videos featuring her interviews with police, parents on the news; at the time thinking their grand daughter was still alive looking for her. I've been obsessed with this case! OY!
The jailhouse tapes are interesting because you can really get a glimpse on how nuts this girl really is! Watch as this Casey gal smiles and giggles as her poor mother is crying, how she doesn't seem to care at all about her "missing" daughter and whines about her situation. Me Me Me! OY
They found her daughter 6 months from the time of her death by the side of a road in a trash bag. Her defense is that her father found her daughter drowned in their pool showed it to her and covered it up, then she throws in for more entertainment that her father molested her from age 8 to 13 and that she learnt how to lie.. so strange I tell ya! Then theres another plot in this true tale of a guy who supposedly found the child's body in the early stages after her death and hid it until heard of some reward. He supposedly told friends months before they found her that he had seen a skull in the woods, but his friends were never shown it. then a reward is announced of 250,000 and walla the body is found..and in an area that was already investigated months prior.  

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Memories from my Facebook archives Part 1.

Since I am too damn lazy to write anything at this moment, here I will also start including some stories that I had shared on my Facebook page. So here i give ya "Memories from my Facebook archives part 1" :
 My Birthday in Disney World 2010



 For by Birthday I was surprised by my daughter,5 of her illegitimate kids, my son, some weird male friend of his, and my good ole hubby, whom of course thought it was Xmas. We all went to the Sizzler steaks for a nice dinner and then to my surprise a flight out to Walt Disney World!! I couldn't believe it! We stayed at Nicky Moes Highway Motel just 75 miles away from the parks. I still don’t know who the hell paid for it!...BTW them corn fritters came in handy on that plane ride.
Cheap bastards!



Me hanging for dear life on that there Monorail thing. The damn doors closed on my hand! I thought I was dead for sure, luckily I fell off and landed into one of their resorts pools. They thought I was doing a show and I got $50 and a free day pass, which I could give two craps about.
 What the hell was wrong with these people sending me on this crap trip? Why the hell would I want to be around crying little kids, and stupid parents taking pictures? I mean I ain't no spring turkey anymore! They take me to some god damn place with rollercoaster’s and stupid dolls singing at ya while ya drift on some god damn boat? Oh my god! My daughter ran off with one of em’ walking stuffed animals and haven’t see her since. I got stuck with two of her kids for a half hour.
Tea Crap ride with two of my Daughter's now missing kids.
We all went of some contraptions, and then don’t know what happened to them. Doesn't matter my tramp of a daughter will spawn more. My Son and his weirdo friend (forgot it’s name) ran off to Space Mountain.
Oh god that Small World thing got me so sick, I threw up that disgusting Turkey Leg I ate... and that music!... that MUSIC! Ya think they could add some more lyrics to that damn song? I had to hear it in all them languages! I started feeling Ill once I got to them German dolls.
All I wanted was to know where the hell the exit Is, and these two walking stuffed animals thought i wanted a picture with em'



I don't know where the hell I am here or what the hell that was sittin' there next to me , but I do remember it smelled of garlic mixed with crap. I was lost god damn it!
 I got lost and almost died on that freak’n monorail thing(see pic above). Ya couldn't smoke there! What are they nuts? FUCK 'em I did anyway!, and all them fat asses oh my god, one got stuck on that there Dumbo ride, while one of the dumb parades were goings on! They used the claw of death to get her ass out, or I should say “Mickey’s Claw” …too cute. Saw her later eating a double hamburger at Pinocchio’s hamburger joint.
Some SOB told me this would take me out of this god damn place! They LIED!
Luckily I kept my return plane ticket to get the hell out of there!  Now home and wondering if Ernie (my hubby) is ok since I left him in that roach motel. I know I am fine right now that’s for sure. Nice and quite! What a great Birthday.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

So what the hell kind of agent do I have?

My agent stinks! STINKS! I don't know where the hell he is, as I've been trying to get in touch with him for over 12 years already. I want to get back into the showbiz ya know, and I ain't a young chick anymore, I figure there's got to be a damn remake to that "On Golden Pond" being developed in Hollywood for gawd sakes.
I think I would be perfect in the part that Hepburn played in that picture, my luck they'd cast that Paris Hilton in the Jane Fonda roll, OY can you imagine! and who would they make my husband, probably that Danny Devito,. ha It would wind up straight to the DVS video thing. Them twits in Hollyweird don't know what the hell they're doing. Every time ya look at the Fantangos or whatever the hell it's called,  they're releasing remakes, or some crap aim at a damn 10yr old brat in 3D! The other week I thought of being a nice grandma, as I am!.. and take a couple of my countless brats to the picture show, well!!! My daughter was nice enough to pick me up and drive me and 3 of the brats, forgot their names, to the Orion 25 plex on 36st. She wanted me to take 10 of them kids of hers, but i put my foot down on that idea quick. Well it was a toss between that Medea picture (God forbid!), Hop(Oy, a cartoon!), Arthurs(Love revivals) and some movie about a bird(yeah right!).  I took them to see that "Scream" picture, and I went to see that Arthur one.  I fell asleep! I must have slept through eight showings of that picture, and still didn't see anything with Liza Minnelli or Dudley Moore. What the hell was I originally talking about in this thing here?...oh yes.. MY gawd damn agent STINKS! The last time I heard from him he was looking in getting me a commercial for one of these insurance companies, ya know like the late Ed Mcmahon I was to talk about how ya can sell your home to whatever bank for some cash and still live in it, till ya die..for ya kids to get nothing in the end, cause the damn companies would take every damn thing ya own. Sounds good to me, let me tell ya. Here's a photo I found of an ad I did in the old days. It was for the Gimbles department store, right before they went out.
A looker! No Doubts about that HONEY!  
I remember them SOB's being cheap as all hell, when they came knocking at my damn door later that evening for their brush. Thank goodness that It didn't happen these days, or I would be in the seat next to that Lindsey  Lohans, another winner! HA.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

"A Pu Pu Platter" my 1st musical.

Me in a promotional still for the motion picture “A Pu Pu Platter” (1948). A musical that made poo poo at the box office. I played Maria Von Charles a lady of the evening (aka a hooker)/lounge club singer in the Bronx.  It was about her struggles to become Miss Pu Pu of China town, an annual event in the Big Apple and how she had to fight her way to get there by NY transportation.  It had a great list of wonderful songs and dance numbers, like; “A Egg Roll for a Dollar, My Love for an Extra 2”, “Where’s That Damn Train”, “Move That Ass“, “Pu-Pu for You!”, “China Town Melody”, “So, I‘m From The Bronx, and Your Point“, “Give me that Pu Pu Crown!”, “Five Dollars, Five Minutes” and “What the hell is in that Dim Sum?” 
MINI HIBACHI GRILL & PU PU PLATTER SET
The picture opened and closed the next day, but did manage to make it’s rounds as a road show in a couple of the southern states, and played at the drive-in’s, as all my pictures eventually winded up. It’s biggest play date was a double bill with  “I Remember Mama”, somewhere in Tennessee, people remembered mama, but forgot about Pu Pu! The film went through  hell as it traveled  from state to state, the projectionists had cut and butchered the picture, calling it indecent and disgusting,  It stirred up protesters standing in front of every venue with signs “Don’t see this Pu Pu!!!, And  “It’s the Devil’s Pu-Pu”.  I and the rest of the production and cast believed that this was some great free publicity, we all thought that now we were going bring home some ticket sales, but by the time the film got back to NY it was only one frame of celluloid!  They destroyed it, them bastards! My hopes of becoming a mainstream star once again wounded up in some garbage dump(s) across the U.S.A.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Some Memorabilia..or Memosmearia

Here are some movie posters to some of my best film work.  Don't bother to look for any of them at your Netflux cause they're all M.I.A. or destroyed...so tragic!  
They mis-spelled my name it's Patricia.. missing the last 'i' SOB!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

My Son wants a Beaver Cut!

My son has been whining about his hair ever since the news broke about Dustin Beaver chopping off his hairdo.
He's in a real state of panic about that. He won't come out of his room for nothing, well he's always had some issues with leaving that damn room. I think he's one of them agoraphobics or pubics, whatever they call it when you get scare to leave the house. My son is not only scared to leave the house, but his room too, so what is that?
 Anyway! this morning I hear him screaming up a storm about this Beaver guy and that hair cut fiasco. I said who the hell cares doll? I mean why the heck would some kid getting his hair cut make anyone get that emotional? I can just imagine what the world would do if this kid announced that he shaved his pubic hairs. My son now wants to get his hair to look like this Beaver, but the problem is my son is almost bald and 42 years old! So hes very upset. He keeps playing that Baby song all freak'n' day! I just can't take it anymore!


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I remember back in my day, after I did that picture "Sister Mary and her Magic Braids" in 1969. This picture was about a nun with superpowers that fought crime with her braided hairs. I would take my habit down and do a shake of my head and these gold braids made of some flammable plastic would fall out to some cheesy music. Do you know I got some major whiplash from doing this picture? I had to constantly swing my head around  and make sure my braids would hit the lenses of the camera, the movie was one of 'em 3-D pictures,see. This movie caused such a stir with this one catholic church  in Jersey City. On it's premiere night at the Jersey City Cinema, that basically played porn, all these priests and nuns stood in front of the place with these picket signs protesting it. Some of the signs read "Get Rid of That Hair, No Nun Would Wear!", "God Hates Golden Braids" and "Sister Mary Ain't No Sister Of Mine". I didn't care I thought of it as great publicity, but that night became the end of my picture. This church didn't like the fact that my character  sister Mary's hair was in braids and they thought that just because of that alone made the church look bad. During the screening of this picture right at the part when I started to attack a bunch of rabbis at a pickle barrel blessing, all the nuns from that picket line broke into the theater and started to attack all 10 of us! It was just horrible, mainly because we all thought it was the 3-D, I was getting slapped in the face, saying to myself  "What the hell are they nuts? Who's gonna see a picture that in the end will give ya black and blues.. and who the hell is this bitch in my shot?". Well them bastards got into the projection booth some how and got their hands on all the reels of film, took it back to the church and had a burning ceremony. The stupid director used the only print for the premiere and the film negatives were lost somewhere, this picture never was seen again!
Just horrible how some of these damn people get, just because of a simple hairdo!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Smear Alert

I awoke to one horrible gawd damn day and so here i am venting it all out on this here Blog thing for all ya strangers.
I get a call at approximatively 8:30 in the AMs from Gerty Waldbaulm, she says "Pat are ya up?" so I say "What are ya stupid... Who ya think is talk'n here to ya". She goes on to tell me that Mitzi Ann can't pick her up for Bingo this morning and If I could. Being the good friend I am I said "of course honey pie, just be ready in an hour".
I hung up with that dingbat, made my coffee, checked my Facebrick, turned on Regis and Kitty...with the volume off cause they give me a headache...thank god hes retiring and I took a nice shower. As I am In the shower, my son Stephen who I call Dick started to bang on the bathroom door like some crazy person... like a freak'n NUT. I mean he scared the crap out of me.....I truly mean this LITERALLY! ...all over my thighs and legs.. DISGUSTING! I had soap in my eyes and slipped in the tub onto by back. Pain!! The pain was terrible! As I am laying there feeling like Janet Leigh after she got stabbed to death in that "Psychos" picture, my son breaks in the damn door..NUTS! I hear him plop his ass down on the toilet, as well as other sounds. Between the shower and my son it sounded like a wounded duck in a rain storm in there. I am moaning he's moaning with farts and water hitting the tub.

I luckily got myself up from that bath tub floor, I mean at my age I could've broke every damn bone in my beautiful body. This also made me wonder if them Med Alert things are waterproof, they don't say on the commercial.. What a horrifying thought of all these poor old people lying there naked on a bathtub floor grasping onto this ugly white box hanging on this cheap rope around their necks..DEAD! Horrible...just horrible.
I wonder if they make 'em Med Alerts with an option to play them MSGs so I can listen to some Judy Garland, with an option to buzz an ambulance. Them Apple people should think about us older people and come out with something like a I-Alert, or something and make the damn thing rechargeable for gawds sakes. They can have a nice line of designer colors, then again I guess I could always glue on one of Joan Rivers earing's onto the box.
I had a friend one time who wore one of these things have a hear attack at the drive-thru of a Burger King . Apparently she mistook the voice boxes and had placed an order for a large Whoppers with cheese with them Med Alert people and the cry for help with the Burger King people..

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Porn on the TV? MVD(music tv) Shins?

I don't know if i am doing the Blog thing right, but here I go on with another post for ya.

I'm sitting here thinking what I can bring to you with this Blog. BTW who thought of calling this a Blog.. It sounds like something that happends while on a toilet if ya ask me... anyway ahhh hmm,
Here's a beautiful photo of me from 1951 at the after party for my picture "She doesn't look Swedish?". Don't I look gorgeously sexy here? This was a very popular picture in Yugoslavia and they just loved this picture. I was getting fan mail for 2 months from them Slavic folks by the time it was released there, but damn It If I knew what the hell they were writing.
I only saw five minutes of this film at the premiere, since the inexperienced projectionist accidentally spliced the 1st reel of this picture with some damn Shirley Temple movie.. It was their next attraction.  One second you see me with this whip and all a sudden it's cuts into Shirley Temples crying "No please" whatever..she started to sing and that was it. It did manage to get a huge applause by the director who died thinking he filmed a movie with Temple. The after party was wonderful they served one of the best grilled cheese sandwiches I to this day never had again. I wish I could  remember the cheese they used, DELISH. I'd like to say limberger? hmmm.


Today I woke up and looked out my window and saw that NY had been attacked yet again by mother bitch nature, What the hell is going on here? I don't ever remember seeing this many snowstorms within the same year before.  Though It does bring back memories. It reminds me of that great party at Debbie Ryans house in the 60's. Oh what a fun party that was to get stuck in a snowstorm. When this woman wasn't singing and dancing for her guests..she was running to the toilet powdering her nose, if ya know what i mean. She was so high after singing that hit song of her's for the twelfth time, "Tangy" or sometin" like that.. she ran outside to snort the ground. She even cleaned all that snow off my car, what a snout! I think she wounded up with ammonia the next day.
 Then I remember 1947, I was such a young little thing.  Yes it was 1947 in the month of February. I was doing this off off Broadway show called "Hit That". During it's only performance there was a snowstorm brewing out there. This was a small theater with about 30 seats and only 5 people were in the audience.  I was in the middle of my musical number "Watch Your Hands, Buster!" and someone in the 2nd row, which was basically the back row.. screamed out "I got to get home! Snow IS PILLING UP!!! CAN YOU HURRY UP with this show already PAT!. I stopped singing and told my father to "get the hell out of here! then".  In the 1st row there was this pervert, I'll never forget! he was felling himself up.. I said, "Get the hell out of here too, you disgusting person!!... Go home with DADDY!!!", my brother had issues, I don't wanna talk about. The other 3 people had already left before all this.

I hate the snow! I HATE IT! I swear I need to get the hell out of NY! I'm too old for this cold and wet stuff.  I hate to shovel. A Mexican with a snow blower passed by me when I was out there yesterday, I asked this cute little Mexican ask if I would like him to snow blow me..sob I almost drowned! I said I didn't want it blown on me your dummy!! Clean my damn paths..He's doing it now! he want's $20...which reminds me I have to go now and doll myself up. I plan on getting away with this one at least half price.  I betta change my husbands diapers..as they are also cold and wet and stink from here to high heaven. Ohhh..there goes the doorbell. It's SHOWTIME once again in the Smear home. "Coming you cute little tamale..yes nice pink taco..nice, nice". He don't know what he's gotten himself into.

My friend Ethel Myer Weenier called last night to tell me that MVD that music channel started showing porn.. some show called "Shins" ya ever hear of this? Well I taped it and I tell ya what a disgrace!, disgusting! just terrible! there was not one money shot! don't watch it!! a let down I tell you. I would've put this on to set the mood for my little cutie pie sombrero. Oh whatever! that ain't porn! It's just CRAP! Oh well I gonna run kiddies... Talk to ya later. Gawd willing!
Xoxo,
Patricia

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Getting to know ME! My 1st post!


Before I start this thing I must say I never done this before.. I mean I never even heard of a Blog or almost understood what It is until recently. When someone would say Blog I thought they were talking about that last picture Joan Crawford did "Trog". Oh how silly of me for gawd sakes. So from what was told by my son this is supposed to be a diary type thing? Well this is for all my fans out there like Jim and Alan who still write me snail mail after all these years. Well I think Alan passed on a month ago, so this 1st Trog is dedicated to Alan wherever you may be.


My name Is Patricia Smear.. sure you never heard of me. I am an old movie goddess of the screen, well in some places a torn or stained one, or both.I did what some folks like to call 'B' pictures or in my case 'F' pictures but certainly not 'G' pictures. I was also a model, singer and one of the very first go go dancers.
Retired now with a husband Ernie who doesn’t know what day it is or year, oh it ain't pretty I'll tell ya more about him later. My beautiful son Richard Smear, we all call him Dick, he always brightens my day that kid. He always says he's gay..how many kids today say that their happy? How many really, I am blessed. He spends a little more time in his room with the doors locked more than I'd like, but he's gay so that's all that really matters, my Dick is gay!. You'd think he would find a nice girl, get married and get the HELL outta here already!...for gawd sakes! My daughter Sharon, well she's a little bit of another story, A tramp! a WHORE! A SLUT! Oh gawd I can not express anymore than that...really I can't. This woman has about a kid every other week.. I will not go any further into that. She has spawned so many damn grand kids for me, I think some of them were left in my attic a few years ago.. reminds me to get my son to see if that's where the strange smell is coming from. So DISGUSTING. I got to pick her up at the clinic later on today, I almost forgot. She thank gawd doesn't live with me, though she might as well since she's here more than I see my son who actually lives here for Christ sakes. I babysit a lot for this girl as she's constantly working.. she has some job too, different men almost every night. I really don't know what she does come to think of it.. but sure sounds like she's a damn HOOKER. Enough about her! I love Bingo! that is my recreation of choice besides going out on dates with different men in the neighborhood, like Harvey Welks that good humor Ice cream man who I'm seeing later on tonight..oh yeah ..I Scream for his CREAM!, anyway.... Me and my husband had been married for over 50 years.... nice marriage, still going strong after all these years. He wears Depends by the way. I have to change them.. that is when I remember. Them undergarments are expensive! I usually go on Ebay to by them in bulk by sellers from China. I've been using this one brand called Dripends and it's very absorbent and damn nice to look at too, It has a sculpted pouch for where his ding a ling is and it has these LED lights all around the poo poo and wee wee area. What I like about them is these diapers will change colors to let you know if they have to be change.. Green clean, Blue Poo, Yellow if ya don't change this ya may get a puddle. Red means he's got a rash on his Ass!. HA HAAAAAAAA. I just love what these foreign countries come up with. Mood diapers! how cute, he can turn any dark room into a disco. HA HAAAAAAA! though they do really have to make ones that change themselves..cause they're disgusting.. I'm scared I could electrocute myself when I am changing them. Then the room would look like a super disco! Ahhh
Back to me now...
Like I was saying earlier I was a movie queen of yesterdays.. I'd say at least 95 percent of the pictures I've done either got lost or destroyed, I made pictures with extremely low budget company's and directors. Like ""Babes In Bondage of '39" which was actually made in 1963, a wonderful movie that I wish someone could find. I danced my little ass off in that one as well whipped someones ass off too. This film wasn't too well received by any churches or synagogues or by anyone at all frankly. I think it played halfway through at the premiere in this cold basement in Canarsie.
Other pictures I remember very well were such phenomenal pieces of joy were; "It's Gay,Gay,Gay" (1948), 'Whatever Happened to Mother Snatch" (1965), "The Crotch Crabs" (1961), "Pussycat High" (1974) and something called "Don't eat my taco" I have no idea to when I did this one but I did. It was about these illegal aliens crossbreeding or was it cross dressing? Something at the border and I played this woman named Annie Lipslits and I ran some taco stand.. at the border, I don't remember the plot, I just know it was wonderful comedy musical. I also did have some wonderful bit parts like in this picture, my whole scene can be seen at the starting mark 1:16 to 1:25, yes siree that's me in that white dress.

Let me tell ya, I suffered bruises all over my body from that shoot and that was MY damn dress that got destroyed in the process, all I got was $10 and a turkey dinner at Howard Jonson's, just terrible.

Well I got to run for now and meet up with some of my girlie friends at IHOP for lunch and then do some shopping at WalMart, I have to pick up some new sheets and toilet paper. I'll talk to ya later..gawd willing.
Kisses,
Patricia

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