Saturday, February 26, 2011

My Son wants a Beaver Cut!

My son has been whining about his hair ever since the news broke about Dustin Beaver chopping off his hairdo.
He's in a real state of panic about that. He won't come out of his room for nothing, well he's always had some issues with leaving that damn room. I think he's one of them agoraphobics or pubics, whatever they call it when you get scare to leave the house. My son is not only scared to leave the house, but his room too, so what is that?
 Anyway! this morning I hear him screaming up a storm about this Beaver guy and that hair cut fiasco. I said who the hell cares doll? I mean why the heck would some kid getting his hair cut make anyone get that emotional? I can just imagine what the world would do if this kid announced that he shaved his pubic hairs. My son now wants to get his hair to look like this Beaver, but the problem is my son is almost bald and 42 years old! So hes very upset. He keeps playing that Baby song all freak'n' day! I just can't take it anymore!


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I remember back in my day, after I did that picture "Sister Mary and her Magic Braids" in 1969. This picture was about a nun with superpowers that fought crime with her braided hairs. I would take my habit down and do a shake of my head and these gold braids made of some flammable plastic would fall out to some cheesy music. Do you know I got some major whiplash from doing this picture? I had to constantly swing my head around  and make sure my braids would hit the lenses of the camera, the movie was one of 'em 3-D pictures,see. This movie caused such a stir with this one catholic church  in Jersey City. On it's premiere night at the Jersey City Cinema, that basically played porn, all these priests and nuns stood in front of the place with these picket signs protesting it. Some of the signs read "Get Rid of That Hair, No Nun Would Wear!", "God Hates Golden Braids" and "Sister Mary Ain't No Sister Of Mine". I didn't care I thought of it as great publicity, but that night became the end of my picture. This church didn't like the fact that my character  sister Mary's hair was in braids and they thought that just because of that alone made the church look bad. During the screening of this picture right at the part when I started to attack a bunch of rabbis at a pickle barrel blessing, all the nuns from that picket line broke into the theater and started to attack all 10 of us! It was just horrible, mainly because we all thought it was the 3-D, I was getting slapped in the face, saying to myself  "What the hell are they nuts? Who's gonna see a picture that in the end will give ya black and blues.. and who the hell is this bitch in my shot?". Well them bastards got into the projection booth some how and got their hands on all the reels of film, took it back to the church and had a burning ceremony. The stupid director used the only print for the premiere and the film negatives were lost somewhere, this picture never was seen again!
Just horrible how some of these damn people get, just because of a simple hairdo!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Smear Alert

I awoke to one horrible gawd damn day and so here i am venting it all out on this here Blog thing for all ya strangers.
I get a call at approximatively 8:30 in the AMs from Gerty Waldbaulm, she says "Pat are ya up?" so I say "What are ya stupid... Who ya think is talk'n here to ya". She goes on to tell me that Mitzi Ann can't pick her up for Bingo this morning and If I could. Being the good friend I am I said "of course honey pie, just be ready in an hour".
I hung up with that dingbat, made my coffee, checked my Facebrick, turned on Regis and Kitty...with the volume off cause they give me a headache...thank god hes retiring and I took a nice shower. As I am In the shower, my son Stephen who I call Dick started to bang on the bathroom door like some crazy person... like a freak'n NUT. I mean he scared the crap out of me.....I truly mean this LITERALLY! ...all over my thighs and legs.. DISGUSTING! I had soap in my eyes and slipped in the tub onto by back. Pain!! The pain was terrible! As I am laying there feeling like Janet Leigh after she got stabbed to death in that "Psychos" picture, my son breaks in the damn door..NUTS! I hear him plop his ass down on the toilet, as well as other sounds. Between the shower and my son it sounded like a wounded duck in a rain storm in there. I am moaning he's moaning with farts and water hitting the tub.

I luckily got myself up from that bath tub floor, I mean at my age I could've broke every damn bone in my beautiful body. This also made me wonder if them Med Alert things are waterproof, they don't say on the commercial.. What a horrifying thought of all these poor old people lying there naked on a bathtub floor grasping onto this ugly white box hanging on this cheap rope around their necks..DEAD! Horrible...just horrible.
I wonder if they make 'em Med Alerts with an option to play them MSGs so I can listen to some Judy Garland, with an option to buzz an ambulance. Them Apple people should think about us older people and come out with something like a I-Alert, or something and make the damn thing rechargeable for gawds sakes. They can have a nice line of designer colors, then again I guess I could always glue on one of Joan Rivers earing's onto the box.
I had a friend one time who wore one of these things have a hear attack at the drive-thru of a Burger King . Apparently she mistook the voice boxes and had placed an order for a large Whoppers with cheese with them Med Alert people and the cry for help with the Burger King people..

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