Monday, November 28, 2011

Some more Memorabilia..or Memosmearia

My birth name is Patricia Maria Salvatore I was born in Hoboken, NJ and year is nobodies business.
My stage name is Patricia Smear, and I became an actress in the 40's, soon after I met my husband Ernie Schemear. I met him while working at the box office to Ernie's Freaks

Go Gay Hairspray!

Maybe ya don’t remember my very own hairspray line back in the 50’s during my short retirement from the biz, this was around 1955.
I just completed my never seen hit picture “The Singing Swans of the Baskervilles”  in 1954 with director Lenny Schmidt, perhaps ya remember his claim to fame picture.. ”The Swedes go to France”.  Well it won some award in Israel… anyway,. I took sometime off to have a kid, which would be my daughter Sharon.
I was about six months pregnant when Elizabeth Whinefuter came to me with this idea to attach my name to this new hairspray product that was produced in China. I was given the task of coming up with it’s name, and that was it. I was going to receive 40 percent of the profits.
She wanted to just get my name on that can of spray.  She had high hopes for this to be a big success for both of us with this thing.  I came in did some photo shots for the ads and within the next month the campaign began.
Well!! I can not express how mortified I was to find out that this damn hairspray was a roach killer in China! They had so much overstock, because it didn’t make a dime there, this bitch Elizabeth imported all the left over stock of who knows how many cases of the crap to some warehouse in duck pluck Arkansas!
She then had them relabel them with the name “Go Gay by Patricia Smear’! Not even a week after this ad ya see here was published In “Better Apartments, and Fire Escapes”, I get a call from my agent Harvey Bangerwall of the mass hysteria of bad publicity that was about to hit my name.  Luckily the magazine that published this ad didn’t have that many readers and matter of facts was going out of business, this was their last issue.  There was only five cases of women who died from using this stuff on their heads.. And they all were slow, if ya know what I mean, slow.
 I was so lucky kids, not one news outlet reported this mess, except some Chinese newspaper, but who the hell could understand them words.. squiggly lines… I the sure hell can’t!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Holiday's here already and I can't TAKE IT!

Thanksgiving is this week already and I am not ready!!! Well almost, but not quite!
My husbands side of the family are always the biggest pains in the Gawd damn ass, every year when they step their slimy feet into my beautiful home. I have to make sure I have a case of Lysol to keep by the door ready. I have one individual can ready.. for each one of these asshats that wonder in, and that stuff ain't cheap! I assign each of my grandkids a relative to follow and spray. When I tell you how damn disgusting these people are ya wouldn't believe! It looks like the Texas Chainsaw family meets the Kardashians.
Lets see, there is Ronnie Shingle and his new underage bride, Fran...the man! Gawd for a gal that's old enough to be his grandkid she looks about 90, but she's only 18 yrs old.., Ronnie is 89....OH Gawd he better not choke in this house!
Marsha Beaningtit, she comes alone, Frank Stein and  his slew of three mile island victims, Jenny and Gregg Schemear, Lolla and Viola Fishpaws..Lesbians!.. my husbands absolutely certifiably insane sister Bertha Finks, Oh I truly do hate her!, and her disgusting children and their children. I have to tell you about the time she went into Bloomingdales and bought a frying pan and made a big scene at the cash register that the pan should be only $2.98, as if Bloomies has anything that cheap, she started clobbering the poor gal over the head, it was in the newspaper... remind me sometime to tell ya,. Anyway... 

The holidays aren't the way the used to be, you know? Just not the same, and it all has to do with these Gawd damn rodents they call kids, all these kids do is whine, cry, play pranks, steal ya stuff, break and touch ya expensive NICE things. I just can't take it anymore, but whatcha gonna do, such is life. Ya have to deal with with Gawd hands ya, even it's a bag of shits.
Some folks are luckier than others.. and I am a bitter BITCH,  let me stop and get back to my dinner menu for this years gathering of fools. 

This year I just don't want to go the regular route with cooking, usually I make the traditional roasted butterball and candied yams, corns on the cobs, mashed potatoes, cheese dips, cheese bricks sliced nice with crackers, and assortment of deserts.
I'm tired! None of these SOB's help and lift one damn finger to help me.. NO they just sit there watching the TV.. laughing and talking, while I am half dead from waking up at 3 in the am to start a feast for these unappreciative fat SLOBS.

"Oh the parade is on!! yay" I hear them all get so excited , they all circle around and watch a balloon float of Dora the Explorers and Florence Henderson sing some Gawd awful Broadway tune, that she's not even IN, while I'm basting some damn TURKEY! Then some wise ass would of course walk into the kitchen and ask me .."When's dinner going to be ready?".

I just ain't doing it this year, for what? So all these free loaders, who by the ways, never even bring anything to show as a tokens of appreciation! Can dirty up my house, break things and leave nice a full... forget it!
Oh OHH I will not forget Henry Pinkus who had the nerve to come here with an Entenmann's danish cake, to leave with it, because no one touched it, that fat pig bastard!

So!! I went to the A & P and got a bunch of them Swanson frozen turkey dinners, some Gino's Pizza Rolls, Kraft American individually wrapped in plastic, white and the yellow... a box of Pitz crackers, which is a store brand for the Ritz,  a can of Chef Boyardees,  Jamaican beef patties, and a nice Sara Lee for desert. 
Now I started thinking to myselfs here, well maybe this is kind of terrible of me, to downsize the quality of Thanksgiving  dinner this year, so i decided..what the hell, I'll deep fry them Swanson dinners in the backyard.
I just hope Gawd forbid I don't have another fire back there like I did over the summer, that poor son of a bitch cat.. I don't wanna talk about it..

My son Dick is going to be doing his yearly family show for everyone. He's a great impersonator! Last year he did an hour long impersonation of Harvey Fierstein singing tunes from Funny Girl. Oh and the year he did Liza! He looked just like her! This year he said he was doing something new, Lady Goo Guy? whomever's that is, cause he said it's not Gaga to whom I thought he meant... though!!. I thought to myself. he better be joking,  cause if he's going to be doing this character without any clothes on as he was showing me, I will not have that!!  He wanted to borrow my turkey baster, for Gawd knows WHAT!.  The people in this house are SICK!
My son is practicing right now as I write this blog thing, he's working so hard, and I think trying to BREAK MY GAWD DAMN CEILING!! Oh my Gawd! what the hell is he doing up there!!
I must calm down here.... and get back to figuring out where Jane Sultz is going to sit, or fit, she's only about 500lbs..

I will leave you for now with this picture I stumbled on.
 This old Thanksgiving day photo of me, my daughter and my son, my husband's best friend Jack and my husband tied up off to the side...... back in the happy days..
 And as a bonus here is a still from my 1959 horror picture "Bride of TurkeyStein", It was a wonderful family picture and the kind of film they just don't make anymore. Sadly this as will all my films is lost out in a land full  somewhere, what a damn shame, a damn damn shame!

I wish you all a very nice and peaceful Thanksgiving, and hope ya have as much joy as ME!