Thanksgiving is this week already and I am not ready!!! Well almost, but not quite!
My husbands side of the family are always the biggest pains in the Gawd damn ass, every year when they step their slimy feet into my beautiful home. I have to make sure I have a case of Lysol to keep by the door ready. I have one individual can ready.. for each one of these asshats that wonder in, and that stuff ain't cheap! I assign each of my grandkids a relative to follow and spray. When I tell you how damn disgusting these people are ya wouldn't believe! It looks like the Texas Chainsaw family meets the Kardashians.
Lets see, there is Ronnie Shingle and his new underage bride, Fran...the man! Gawd for a gal that's old enough to be his grandkid she looks about 90, but she's only 18 yrs old.., Ronnie is 89....OH Gawd he better not choke in this house!
Marsha Beaningtit, she comes alone, Frank Stein and his slew of three mile island victims, Jenny and Gregg Schemear, Lolla and Viola Fishpaws..Lesbians!.. my husbands absolutely certifiably insane sister Bertha Finks, Oh I truly do hate her!, and her disgusting children and their children. I have to tell you about the time she went into Bloomingdales and bought a frying pan and made a big scene at the cash register that the pan should be only $2.98, as if Bloomies has anything that cheap, she started clobbering the poor gal over the head, it was in the newspaper... remind me sometime to tell ya,. Anyway...
The holidays aren't the way the used to be, you know? Just not the same, and it all has to do with these Gawd damn rodents they call kids, all these kids do is whine, cry, play pranks, steal ya stuff, break and touch ya expensive NICE things. I just can't take it anymore, but whatcha gonna do, such is life. Ya have to deal with with Gawd hands ya, even it's a bag of shits.
Some folks are luckier than others.. and I am a bitter BITCH, let me stop and get back to my dinner menu for this years gathering of fools.
This year I just don't want to go the regular route with cooking, usually I make the traditional roasted butterball and candied yams, corns on the cobs, mashed potatoes, cheese dips, cheese bricks sliced nice with crackers, and assortment of deserts.
I'm tired! None of these SOB's help and lift one damn finger to help me.. NO they just sit there watching the TV.. laughing and talking, while I am half dead from waking up at 3 in the am to start a feast for these unappreciative fat SLOBS.
"Oh the parade is on!! yay" I hear them all get so excited , they all circle around and watch a balloon float of Dora the Explorers and Florence Henderson sing some Gawd awful Broadway tune, that she's not even IN, while I'm basting some damn TURKEY! Then some wise ass would of course walk into the kitchen and ask me .."When's dinner going to be ready?".
I just ain't doing it this year, for what? So all these free loaders, who by the ways, never even bring anything to show as a tokens of appreciation! Can dirty up my house, break things and leave nice a full... forget it!
Oh OHH I will not forget Henry Pinkus who had the nerve to come here with an Entenmann's danish cake, to leave with it, because no one touched it, that fat pig bastard!
So!! I went to the A & P and got a bunch of them Swanson frozen turkey dinners, some Gino's Pizza Rolls, Kraft American individually wrapped in plastic, white and the yellow... a box of Pitz crackers, which is a store brand for the Ritz, a can of Chef Boyardees, Jamaican beef patties, and a nice Sara Lee for desert.
Now I started thinking to myselfs here, well maybe this is kind of terrible of me, to downsize the quality of Thanksgiving dinner this year, so i decided..what the hell, I'll deep fry them Swanson dinners in the backyard.
I just hope Gawd forbid I don't have another fire back there like I did over the summer, that poor son of a bitch cat.. I don't wanna talk about it..
My son Dick is going to be doing his yearly family show for everyone. He's a great impersonator! Last year he did an hour long impersonation of Harvey Fierstein singing tunes from Funny Girl. Oh and the year he did Liza! He looked just like her! This year he said he was doing something new, Lady Goo Guy? whomever's that is, cause he said it's not Gaga to whom I thought he meant... though!!. I thought to myself. he better be joking, cause if he's going to be doing this character without any clothes on as he was showing me, I will not have that!! He wanted to borrow my turkey baster, for Gawd knows WHAT!. The people in this house are SICK!
My son is practicing right now as I write this blog thing, he's working so hard, and I think trying to BREAK MY GAWD DAMN CEILING!! Oh my Gawd! what the hell is he doing up there!!
I must calm down here.... and get back to figuring out where Jane Sultz is going to sit, or fit, she's only about 500lbs..
I will leave you for now with this picture I stumbled on.
This old Thanksgiving day photo of me, my daughter and my son, my husband's best friend Jack and my husband tied up off to the side...... back in the happy days..
I wish you all a very nice and peaceful Thanksgiving, and hope ya have as much joy as ME!