Smear Alert

I awoke to one horrible gawd damn day and so here i am venting it all out on this here Blog thing for all ya strangers.
I get a call at approximatively 8:30 in the AMs from Gerty Waldbaulm, she says "Pat are ya up?" so I say "What are ya stupid... Who ya think is talk'n here to ya". She goes on to tell me that Mitzi Ann can't pick her up for Bingo this morning and If I could. Being the good friend I am I said "of course honey pie, just be ready in an hour".
I hung up with that dingbat, made my coffee, checked my Facebrick, turned on Regis and Kitty...with the volume off cause they give me a headache...thank god hes retiring and I took a nice shower. As I am In the shower, my son Stephen who I call Dick started to bang on the bathroom door like some crazy person... like a freak'n NUT. I mean he scared the crap out of me.....I truly mean this LITERALLY! ...all over my thighs and legs.. DISGUSTING! I had soap in my eyes and slipped in the tub onto by back. Pain!! The pain was terrible! As I am laying there feeling like Janet Leigh after she got stabbed to death in that "Psychos" picture, my son breaks in the damn door..NUTS! I hear him plop his ass down on the toilet, as well as other sounds. Between the shower and my son it sounded like a wounded duck in a rain storm in there. I am moaning he's moaning with farts and water hitting the tub.

I luckily got myself up from that bath tub floor, I mean at my age I could've broke every damn bone in my beautiful body. This also made me wonder if them Med Alert things are waterproof, they don't say on the commercial.. What a horrifying thought of all these poor old people lying there naked on a bathtub floor grasping onto this ugly white box hanging on this cheap rope around their necks..DEAD! Horrible...just horrible.
I wonder if they make 'em Med Alerts with an option to play them MSGs so I can listen to some Judy Garland, with an option to buzz an ambulance. Them Apple people should think about us older people and come out with something like a I-Alert, or something and make the damn thing rechargeable for gawds sakes. They can have a nice line of designer colors, then again I guess I could always glue on one of Joan Rivers earing's onto the box.
I had a friend one time who wore one of these things have a hear attack at the drive-thru of a Burger King . Apparently she mistook the voice boxes and had placed an order for a large Whoppers with cheese with them Med Alert people and the cry for help with the Burger King people..