Traffic!

I was stuck in traffic on the Hudson River Drive... It was bumper to bumper. I had to go to the bathroom! The car in front of my had a bunch of these foreigners, I think they were Chinese or something, they all had them different eyes. No offense to ya Chinks. I love everyone, especially ya egg rolls. Ya know!! I love "Lucky Numbers" Chinese take out on 6th street, They have the best Egg Foo Young, the only place that makes it where it don't look and smell like horse shit, just delish.., though their Poo Poo Platter is just THAT..

Where was I .......OH yeah I had to take a crap.

I was waiting for this damn traffic to move... It wouldn't budge. AN HOUR!! Waiting... I just couldn't take it anymore... I got out to the side of my Pinto and had to relieve myself. Wouldn't ya know I had to be constipated!
So here I am in the middle of a traffic jam, with my ass hanging out for all to see and them China people.. and a small stuck piece of shit stuck to my ASS.
So now NOT only isn't the TRAFFIC moving......neither is my bowels!
I was mortified!!
WELL!
One of them China gals....love that song btw..... came out of her damn car and walked over to me... saying something in that foreigner mouth, "Aaaaaa U Or K"
I said ... "Yes fine, get the hell away from ME!"
She had the nerve!! the audacity to walk behind me to where my Children of the Corn was struggling.. and say.. "OOOHHH OOHHHHH!! Ya Shitt'n!! OOOOH OOOOH""
I said "GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME CONNIE CHUNGS"
She wouldn't leave,, next thing ya know the rest of them Chinky Chungs came out of the car.. with cameras taking pictures.. one screamed out "GOWING ON U BOOB"
I ran to the back seat of my car.. an grabbed the crowbars I just happen to have on the floor... and swung it at them... I mean I swung that thing so hard.. MY shit came flying out my ass! SO disgusting!
My poop went flying!! Right into one of them SOB'S MOUTHS!!
They RAN back to their car...
and the traffic finally started to flow..

I stopped to get a big pickle before going home. Juicy!!

Some more Memorabilia..or Memosmearia

My birth name is Patricia Maria Salvatore I was born in Hoboken, NJ and year is nobodies business.
My stage name is Patricia Smear, and I became an actress in the 40's, soon after I met my husband Ernie Schemear. I met him while working at the box office to Ernie's Freaks

Go Gay Hairspray!

Maybe ya don’t remember my very own hairspray line back in the 50’s during my short retirement from the biz, this was around 1955.
I just completed my never seen hit picture “The Singing Swans of the Baskervilles”  in 1954 with director Lenny Schmidt, perhaps ya remember his claim to fame picture.. ”The Swedes go to France”.  Well it won some award in Israel… anyway,. I took sometime off to have a kid, which would be my daughter Sharon.
I was about six months pregnant when Elizabeth Whinefuter came to me with this idea to attach my name to this new hairspray product that was produced in China. I was given the task of coming up with it’s name, and that was it. I was going to receive 40 percent of the profits.
She wanted to just get my name on that can of spray.  She had high hopes for this to be a big success for both of us with this thing.  I came in did some photo shots for the ads and within the next month the campaign began.
Well!! I can not express how mortified I was to find out that this damn hairspray was a roach killer in China! They had so much overstock, because it didn’t make a dime there, this bitch Elizabeth imported all the left over stock of who knows how many cases of the crap to some warehouse in duck pluck Arkansas!

She then had them relabel them with the name “Go Gay by Patricia Smear’! Not even a week after this ad ya see here was published In “Better Apartments, and Fire Escapes”, I get a call from my agent Harvey Bangerwall of the mass hysteria of bad publicity that was about to hit my name.  Luckily the magazine that published this ad didn’t have that many readers and matter of facts was going out of business, this was their last issue.  There was only five cases of women who died from using this stuff on their heads.. And they all were slow, if ya know what I mean, slow.
 I was so lucky kids, not one news outlet reported this mess, except some Chinese newspaper, but who the hell could understand them words.. squiggly lines… I the sure hell can’t!

Holiday's here already and I can't TAKE IT!

Thanksgiving is this week already and I am not ready!!! Well almost, but not quite!
My husbands side of the family are always the biggest pains in the Gawd damn ass, every year when they step their slimy feet into my beautiful home. I have to make sure I have a case of Lysol to keep by the door ready. I have one individual can ready.. for each one of these asshats that wonder in, and that stuff ain't cheap! I assign each of my grandkids a relative to follow and spray. When I tell you how damn disgusting these people are ya wouldn't believe! It looks like the Texas Chainsaw family meets the Kardashians.
Lets see, there is Ronnie Shingle and his new underage bride, Fran...the man! Gawd for a gal that's old enough to be his grandkid she looks about 90, but she's only 18 yrs old.., Ronnie is 89....OH Gawd he better not choke in this house!
Marsha Beaningtit, she comes alone, Frank Stein and  his slew of three mile island victims, Jenny and Gregg Schemear, Lolla and Viola Fishpaws..Lesbians!.. my husbands absolutely certifiably insane sister Bertha Finks, Oh I truly do hate her!, and her disgusting children and their children. I have to tell you about the time she went into Bloomingdales and bought a frying pan and made a big scene at the cash register that the pan should be only $2.98, as if Bloomies has anything that cheap, she started clobbering the poor gal over the head, it was in the newspaper... remind me sometime to tell ya,. Anyway... 

The holidays aren't the way the used to be, you know? Just not the same, and it all has to do with these Gawd damn rodents they call kids, all these kids do is whine, cry, play pranks, steal ya stuff, break and touch ya expensive NICE things. I just can't take it anymore, but whatcha gonna do, such is life. Ya have to deal with with Gawd hands ya, even it's a bag of shits.
Some folks are luckier than others.. and I am a bitter BITCH,  let me stop and get back to my dinner menu for this years gathering of fools. 


This year I just don't want to go the regular route with cooking, usually I make the traditional roasted butterball and candied yams, corns on the cobs, mashed potatoes, cheese dips, cheese bricks sliced nice with crackers, and assortment of deserts.
I'm tired! None of these SOB's help and lift one damn finger to help me.. NO they just sit there watching the TV.. laughing and talking, while I am half dead from waking up at 3 in the am to start a feast for these unappreciative fat SLOBS.


"Oh the parade is on!! yay" I hear them all get so excited , they all circle around and watch a balloon float of Dora the Explorers and Florence Henderson sing some Gawd awful Broadway tune, that she's not even IN, while I'm basting some damn TURKEY! Then some wise ass would of course walk into the kitchen and ask me .."When's dinner going to be ready?".

I just ain't doing it this year, for what? So all these free loaders, who by the ways, never even bring anything to show as a tokens of appreciation! Can dirty up my house, break things and leave nice a full... forget it!
Oh OHH I will not forget Henry Pinkus who had the nerve to come here with an Entenmann's danish cake, to leave with it, because no one touched it, that fat pig bastard!


So!! I went to the A & P and got a bunch of them Swanson frozen turkey dinners, some Gino's Pizza Rolls, Kraft American individually wrapped in plastic, white and the yellow... a box of Pitz crackers, which is a store brand for the Ritz,  a can of Chef Boyardees,  Jamaican beef patties, and a nice Sara Lee for desert. 
Now I started thinking to myselfs here, well maybe this is kind of terrible of me, to downsize the quality of Thanksgiving  dinner this year, so i decided..what the hell, I'll deep fry them Swanson dinners in the backyard.

I just hope Gawd forbid I don't have another fire back there like I did over the summer, that poor son of a bitch cat.. I don't wanna talk about it..


My son Dick is going to be doing his yearly family show for everyone. He's a great impersonator! Last year he did an hour long impersonation of Harvey Fierstein singing tunes from Funny Girl. Oh and the year he did Liza! He looked just like her! This year he said he was doing something new, Lady Goo Guy? whomever's that is, cause he said it's not Gaga to whom I thought he meant... though!!. I thought to myself. he better be joking,  cause if he's going to be doing this character without any clothes on as he was showing me, I will not have that!!  He wanted to borrow my turkey baster, for Gawd knows WHAT!.  The people in this house are SICK!

My son is practicing right now as I write this blog thing, he's working so hard, and I think trying to BREAK MY GAWD DAMN CEILING!! Oh my Gawd! what the hell is he doing up there!!
I must calm down here.... and get back to figuring out where Jane Sultz is going to sit, or fit, she's only about 500lbs..


I will leave you for now with this picture I stumbled on.
 This old Thanksgiving day photo of me, my daughter and my son, my husband's best friend Jack and my husband tied up off to the side...... back in the happy days..

 And as a bonus here is a still from my 1959 horror picture "Bride of TurkeyStein", It was a wonderful family picture and the kind of film they just don't make anymore. Sadly this as will all my films is lost out in a land full  somewhere, what a damn shame, a damn damn shame!

I wish you all a very nice and peaceful Thanksgiving, and hope ya have as much joy as ME!

Slight name change, the return to Facebook and some other madness in Schemear world

What a pain in the freak'n behind these last couple of weeks have been. First of all my daughter showed up late for dinner on Labor day, because she was in freak'n Gawd Damn LABOR! I just don't know what to do with this chick-o-roo tramp of a child of mine. This woman is past her 40's and still is a pop'n mamma! She has had so many of them kids I can't count anymore, as it is I have about 25 of 'em stay'n in the attic, two of 'em got into one of the holes in the wall and I have not one clue to where they are in this house.. though I do smell something bad lately, like something died! in here!, well that could be my husband.  My sons friend Bernie Pappas from "Gyro We Roll" on Manhole St, he's a Greek.. came over drunk out of his MIND! Said hi and ran up into my son Dick's room. He did not leave until 9am the next day. I don't  know what the hell he was doing with my 37 year old son of mine, in all Gawd damn hours of the night, but I could smell his underarm pits all over this damn house, or that could still be that smell, I was talk'n bout earlier.... nah that could be my husband. I saw my son the next morning and he kept saying his behind hurt.. poor kid I think he's got the hemorrhoids, got to remind myself to pick up some of them ass pads at the store. My son doesn't got a dime, I'll have his hairy gyro friend pay for it...disgusting SOB, I should pick him up some damn roll on, too.

Better news:
Well them kids at the Facebook finally released me from cyber prison, but now are telling me I have to convert my personal page into some business type page, like one of 'em "click here and like" pages, what the hell? They sent me an email stating: "Your account was temporarily suspended because it does not represent an individual person. It is a violation of the Facebook Terms to use a profile to represent a brand, business, organization or idea." What the hell are they talk'n about here? I am an individual person! What they think am some kind of machine? a Siamese twin?  A brand? a business? organization? or an IDEA?! What! WHAT!
I am a person for Gawd sake! not a religion, I don't sell my own "brand" of anything! I sure the hell wish I DID!  an idea? what WHAT!  what the hell are they talk'n? I've never been so insulted! I wrote them back, mind ya a very nice note to tell them that I AM A F'ing PERSON!  I was digitally raped honey pies.
So I am hoping they will stop this nonsense with me having to convert my account. Crossing legs and fingers!

Now on my name change, well first of all. I am so tired of being confused with that hippie rocker guy from that rock'n' roll band The Foo Foo platters and I think the other one was called the Kerns, I wonder it he's related to Harry Kern, used to date him in High School, small schlong,  anyway I said let me just use my original name, as Smear was my stage name and shorten from it's correct spelling, Schemear. OY what I have to F'ing do around here kids, to be able to entertain ya!! So this new name Patricia Schemer will be in affect immediately. In some places I will add in my middle name Maria, initials P.M.S.
I just want to live in peace around here, without the bull shite!

Any way I am also now on Google + if ya on that ghost town of a place please add me to your circle.

I end this update with a sexy picture of my lovelyness from 1959 for the motion picture "Blond on Sofa" About a blond of a sofa, an art film that ran 90mins, got boils from this picture and couldn't sit again for three weeks. Andy Warhol must've seen it, though no one else had!
Kisses,
Pat

Day after the Facebook Nazis invaded!

I woke up this morn'n to the sound of birds sing'n, the smell of a fresh beautiful day to come. hmm well the smell could be that new Glade thing I put in the bathroom. The first thing I did was check my Facebook account, in hopes it would be back on line. I'm sad to informs that isn't the case. My account is still disabled by them Nazi snot nose kids at Facebook. What the hell is wrong with these kids today, pick'n on this old lady...who by the ways! IS a damn legend..a star! tainted, so what if all the people who remembered my hit pictures, such as "The Lady with a St. Bernard", "The Bronx Cheer" or the classic "Lizzie Borden is an Ice Cream maker, not an axe Murderer"... are dead. All I was try'n to do Is show a new generation as well as older ones some of my collections and body of works with spread'n or should i say Smear'n love all over the place. Now that this damn Facebook yanked me off the net, how the hell am I going to invite folks to see me in my comeback roll ..whenever that may not happen. I am disgusted and hurt by them sob's let me tell ya!, but who complained about me? What the hell did i say or post to get some socially path enraged so, that they barked at them kids over at Facebook? If I bothered ya sweets why ruin it for everyone who was not? Just block and move on. Even my son is upset as all damn day he's been in his room play'n Captain. & Tennille records and given me a gwad damn headache!.. don't know who they are? then GOOGLE! for gawd sakes!
Last comment I made was about that Dutch Boy paint woman with that head...Nancy Grace and how I hope she falls on her fat azz on Dancing with them Stars? show. Did a crazed fan of hers do it? or maybe the comment about Chaz Bono.. saying In my humble opinion that I think he's gay as in fruit and is in the closet?
He's one of 'em what they call bears? and what the hell is that? I didn't mean any harm.. and if ya got what I am about ya know that one. Besides these comments were posted on a friends page that contains similar comments from others, but maybe that wasn't it. I am waiting for these kids to respond with the reasoning to why they shut me down and will let ya know. In the meantime ya can still catch me on the Twitter and on a fan page on Facebook, my Bingo Mingle blog and right here, but i miss the interaction of my Facebook page... I like to thank all my sweeties that are spread'n the news and love.... Right now I have to get some Maalox for I have some terrible gas. Oh Gawd whatever ya do, when ya get to be my age or actually any age, never eat one of them Jamaican Beef Patties... OH OH just think'n of the smell from them things...gonna hurl.

I will talk to ya all later..
With Love Always,
Patricia
XoXo

Facebook removed the Smear!

Well I was wondering when I was going to be next on the hit list. Seems someone complained to Facebook about my account and had them disable my account. It’s a very sad day in the Smear home right now thanks to some jerk off SOB!. I hope whoever sees this will please help this old gal out in helping to get the message out to them FaceBook SOB’s to re-activate my poor account.  

Thank you dolls!..Miss ya all already.

XoXo

Pat

Come to Facebook and hit the “like this” for me dears.. I hope my actual account is reactivated soon. 

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Patricia-Smear-Pat-Smear/112901202063239